Sunday, September 23, 2012

Corporal Punishment or Legalized Child Abuse?


Back in the day, when kids were caught cheating in my grade school, or Junior High/High School- you automatically got a zero on the assignment.
In College and University Schools you get a 0 in the class and often get kicked out
of the Deparment, College and University altogether. I agree with that policy.
Some schools have suspension policies, which I think would have been better for this child's alleged cheating, than a spanking by a Vice Principal Male.

Here is a new reason for your children not to cheat.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/mom-angry-male-vice-principal-spanked-her-daughter-234456335--abc-news-topstories.html

What do you think? Is this state mandated child abuse?
Should it be allowed?
In my opinion, I think it should not be allowed at all.

If you think it should be allowed, should the law of same gender punishment be enforced?
How do you feel about this?

Why are teachers hitting our children and students?
Trying to scare them into being honest in school?
I don't think it works.


Chelsea


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Important Domestic Violence Resources


If you live in Salt Lake County, Utah (or anywhere) and are being abused;
Mentally, Emotionally, Financially or Physically you can take these important steps to protect yourself and your children.

Call the Police or Victim's Services to protect yourself and your family.
If you cannot safely call them, leave.
Get away from your abuser, and make sure your children are safely with you.

Here's how to secure a Protective Order against your abuser;
http://www.utcourts.gov/resources/forms/protectorder/

You can call this D.V. Hotline for support and help;
http://udvc.org/udvc/utah-domestic-violence-linkline

Make plans to stay safe; http://www.utcourts.gov/resources/forms/protectorder/staysafe.html

Numbers for Emergencies and Assistance;

http://www.uw.org/211/find-help/resources-by-county/salt-lake-general-resource-list.pdf

Single Parent Resource List;

http://www.uw.org/211/find-help/resources-by-need/single-parent-resource-list.pdf

Health Insurance Assistance;
http://www.uw.org/211/find-help/resources-by-need/health-insurance-resource-list.pdf

Domestic Violence Shelters and Shelters for transient persons;

http://www.uw.org/211/find-help/resources-by-need/homeless-resource-list.pdf


Good luck and stay safe!

Chelsea

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Family Violence Training

People suffer horrible trauma at the hands of violence. Although experiences are tragic and heartbreaking, victims of violence can develop resiliency in response to their abuse.

What is Resiliency? Even children who come out of severe situations are able to perservere and become contributing members to society. They learn what they are not going to do when they have their own marriages and kids.

Resiliency research shows that children, teenagers and others who live in crime torn neighborhoods and are surrounded by poverty, can become very resilient in their adulthood. Intervention is the key to the person finding hoping in their lives. Positive teachers, peers, church leaders, and therapists can assist an individual's journey back onto a positive trajectory.
Children of war torn countries suffer deplorable violence.
As the children grow they may channel the violence as motivation to seek human rights and therapy for other families and children in similar situations.

The Story Of John Bul Dau- Sudanese Lost Boys



I am so thankful for the abundant blessing I have.



Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Addicted to you

Here are signs of people that are obsessed with you and may have an addiction to try to control your feelings, and their circumstances. I actually really like this song.


Monday, July 2, 2012

What is abuse? How do I recognize it?

It Is Still Abuse If . . .

  • The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
  • The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship.Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he/she will continue to physically assault you.
  • The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
  • There has not been any physical violence. Many women and men are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.
Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so.Economic or financial abuse includes:
  • Rigidly controlling your finances.
  • Withholding money or credit cards.
  • Making you account for every penny you spend.
  • Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
  • Restricting you to an allowance.
  • Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
  • Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).
  • Stealing from you or taking your money.


Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time.

  • Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
  • Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
  • Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
  • Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:
  • Cycle of violenceAbuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
  • Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
  • Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
  • "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
  • Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
  • Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.


General warning signs of domestic abuse

People who are being abused may:
  • Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
  • Go along with everything their partner says and does.
  • Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
  • Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
  • Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning signs of physical violence

People who are being physically abused may:
  • Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
  • Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
  • Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

Warning signs of isolation

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:
  • Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
  • Rarely go out in public without their partner.
  • Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

The psychological warning signs of abuse

People who are being abused may:
  • Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
  • Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
  • Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.

Do's and Don'ts

Do:
  • Ask if something is wrong.
  • Express concern.
  • Listen and validate.
  • Offer help.
  • Support his or her decisions.
Don’t:
  • Wait for him or her to come to you.
  • Judge or blame.
  • Pressure him or her.
  • Give advice.
  • Place conditions on your support.

Adapted from: NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence
Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can.
Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.(http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm)
Are you in (or were you in) an abusive relationship?

Getting out of an abusive relationship


If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. 
Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.
Why doesn’t she just leave? It’s the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is being battered and abused. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple. Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.

If you are being abused, remember:

  • You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
  • You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
  • You deserve to be treated with respect.
  • You deserve a safe and happy life.
  • Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
  • You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

Help for abused and battered women: Making the decision to leave

As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind:
  • If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change... The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.
  • If you believe you can help your abuser... It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.
  • If your partner has promised to stop the abuse... When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.
  • If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers... Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.
  • If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave... You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.

Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:

  • He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
  • He continues to blame others for his behavior.
  • He claims that you’re the one who is abusive.
  • He pressures you to go to couple’s counseling.
  • He tells you that you owe him another chance.
  • You have to push him to stay in treatment.
  • He says that he can’t change unless you stay with him and support him.
  • He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
  • He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
  • He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.







References

The above articles may help you in your journey towards freedom from abuse.
Please be careful in surfing the web.
Delete all of your browsers History and Cookies.
Do not save passwords and change your passwords frequently.
This way your personal and clinical information stays safer.
Sometimes, Using a trusted friend or family member's computer may be a better decision.
Especially if you share a computer with the abuser.


Chelsea 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Forgive Yourself

And be free of your pain.
As some say: "Let go and Let God."

This post has some religious content.
I've found that many of the tactics are attitudes are helpful in anyone's journey to Forgiveness and Healing.
Even if the person who hurt you never changes.
Forgiveness is not making excuses for the person who hurt you.
It is not excusing the behavior or the offense.
Forgiveness is giving your pain to a Higher Power or surrendering your feelings, and allowing something bigger than yourself to handle it. Whatever you believe your "Higher Power" to be, or however you understand it; remember you are not in the Journey to Forgiveness alone.
There are many others who deal with this pain every day, and would like to help you heal too.
We are here to help each other.

D.V. Shelter Info. http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-shelters/
D.V. and Depression/Alcoholism : http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-and-depression/
D.V. Statistics : http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/
CDC Violence Intervention: http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/intimatepartnerviolence/index.html
BJS: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=971
NCVC: http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=38711



Finding Peace through Forgiveness

Content Copied and pasted from: 


I wrestled with rage after someone had deeply hurt me. How could I find peace?
Sick with anger, confusion, and grief, I decided to search LDS.org for articles about forgiveness. I wanted to know what Church leaders had said about how to find peace after experiencing an egregious offense. As the search engine processed my request, I mentally relived the painful episode. My stomach churned and my pulse quickened. “How is it humanly possible to be at peace?” I asked myself.
Dozens of general conference talks seemed to address the issue. I clicked on a promising piece from President James E. Faust (1920–2007) and quickly skimmed its contents.1 An Amish community forgave the distraught milkman who shot and killed several of its schoolgirls. A man forgave the drunk driver who caused the deaths of his wife and children. What could I learn from these scenarios?
As I considered this question, I became agitated. These stories did not mirror mine. In both cases, the offender had either died or faced immediate prosecution, so the victims did not have to fear ongoing or future offenses. In my case, the perpetrator was still part of my life and wasn’t facing death or a public justice system. This person had not committed a crime, but had nearly destroyed two significant relationships. How could I forgive someone who had not yet repented or suffered any punishment? How could I forgive when the offense might even recur?
I reread Elder Faust’s article and noticed I’d missed a few vital points:
  •  
    “Forgiveness is not always instantaneous.”2
  •  
    “Most of us need time to work through pain and loss.”3
  •  
    “Forgiveness comes more readily when … we have faith in God and trust in His word.”4
  •  
    “If we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us.”5
Each of these truths inched me closer to the hope that eventual peace might be attainable.
That evening I pondered something about forgiveness that I had understood in principle but never fully appreciated: Forgiveness was not primarily about restoring my relationship with the person who had offended me. Instead, its focus was restoring and improving my relationship with God. It was about trusting—really trusting—that He would take care of me and that He hadn’t allowed anything to happen to me that wouldn’t eventually work out for my benefit. Forgiveness centered on drawing close to Heavenly Father, understanding the Atonement ofJesus Christ, and laying everything on the altar—and doing this cheerfully, with confidence that I was safe in Heavenly Father’s care.
Being safe, I learned, didn’t mean living an idyllic, stress-free life. It meant that even while coping with harrowing challenges, I had a lifeline to my Father. As I navigated life’s perils, I could be as safe as Daniel in the lions’ den (see Daniel 6), David facing Goliath (see 1 Samuel 17), Esther approaching the king (see Esther 2–7), Alma and Amulek in prison (seeAlma 14), or Nephi when he returned to Jerusalem for the brass plates (see1 Nephi 3–4). Like Abinadi, I could experience peace and loving direction even in the midst of profound distress (see Mosiah 12–17). If I stayed connected to heaven as circumstances and conversations unfolded, then I could, in the way He wanted me to, interact with—or avoid—the person who had caused me pain. I took strength in envisioning how the Savior would live if He stepped into my shoes. Turning my focus to Him was the key to freedom, the key to forgiveness.
However, staying focused wasn’t easy. Often tempted to mentally replay the offense and re-stir the painful emotions it wrought, I constantly battled negativity. Again, I was helped by what President Faust taught: “The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge.”6 Knowing it was important to redirect my thoughts, I groped for ways to focus my energy on light, hope, and joy. For me, it was helpful to memorize scriptures whenever I was troubled by hurt and anger. After a few weeks of implementing this practice, I’d memorized several chapters from Isaiah, and my recollection of the troubling offense seemed to hold less prominence in my thoughts.
Time passed. In response to much fasting and prayer, Heavenly Father helped me heal. But healing was a gradual process, not an overnight miracle. Some days I felt peaceful and forgiving. Other times I wrestled with rage or despondency. As I drew near to Heavenly Father, however, He helped me think more as He did and see others more as He saw them—through eyes of mercy. As time passed, I experienced promptings that helped me understand, empathize with, and finally love the person who had hurt me. While it would be premature to say I’m now completely at peace with the past, I do feel more connected to God than I have ever felt before. That’s an invaluable blessing.
President Faust closed his conference talk with this testimony: “With all my heart and soul, I believe in the healing power that can come to us as we follow the counsel of the Savior ‘to forgive all men’ (D&C 64:10).”7 I share this testimony. Healing does come. In fact, it’s my experience that the Savior doesn’t heal souls by simply restoring us to our former state of wellness. When He heals, He graciously overdoes it. He makes us healthier than we ever were before the onset of the affliction. His objective is our happiness and peace.

Forgiveness Heals Your Wounds

Elder Richard G. Scott
“Forgiveness … can be hard to understand, even more difficult to give.Begin by withholding judgment. … Leave the handling of aggressors to others. As you experience an easing of your own pain, full forgiveness will come more easily.
“You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive. (See D&C 64:10.) Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord.
“The Master counseled, ‘Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you’ (3 Nephi 12:44; italics added).
“Bitterness and hatred are harmful. They produce much that is destructive. They postpone the relief and healing you yearn for. Through rationalization and self-pity, they can transform a victim into an abuser. Let God be the judge—you cannot do it as well as he can.”
Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse,” Ensign, May 1992, 32–33.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

A Survey for Victim's of Violence

Please look into the Websites and Links I posted at the end of this page as well.
They will help you on your journey to Freedom.
Whether you are a man or a woman suffering abuse these are signs of Abuse.
The Battered Women's Task Force of the NY State Coalition Against Domestic Violence asks women to answer "yes" or "no" to the following signs of domestic violence. BE HONEST!!
Does your partner:
  1. hit, punch, slap, shove, or bite you?
  2. threaten to hurt you or your children?
  3. threaten to hurt friends or family members?
  4. have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
  5. behave in an overprotective manner?
  6. become jealous without reason?





  7. prevent you from seeing family or friends?
  8. prevent you from going where you want, when you want?
  9. prevent you from working or attending school?
  10. destroy personal property or sentimental items?
  11. deny you access to family assets, such as bank accounts,
    credit cards, or even the car?
  12. control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
  13. force you to have sex against your will?
  14. force you to engage in sexual acts you do not enjoy?
  15. insult you or call you derogatory names?
  16. use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
  17. humiliate you in front of your children?
  18. turn minor incidents into major arguments?
  19. abuse or threaten to abuse pets?
  20. The author of No Visible Wounds, Mary Susan Miller, adds one more: withhold conversation, sex, or affection from you?
Now, notice that only one, the first, is physical in nature. Here's the big one: If you answered yes to just one of the above, you are being abused. 
I don't care what the reasons the Perpetrator gives you for their actions. If the perp. engages in just ONE of those listed, the person is abusing you. As one victim put it, "It wasn't being hit or thrown against the wall that hurt most. It was having to live like a non-person." (from No Visible Wounds)
The worst of it is this: more often than not, the "threats" of hitting will grow into reality. What once was "just" name-calling becomes public ridicule, and eventually physical abuse.
Do you know someone who needs to read this? Send it to that person, but make sure it's the Victim's E-mail and not the Perpetrators E-mail.


( Helpful Advice for Loved Ones of Violence Victimization

Monday, April 30, 2012

What Forgiveness really means

This subject really interests me because I have had several people continually wrong me in my life with no thought that they had ever done so and no hope of apology or any kind of change in them. Dr. Fred Luskin talks about Forgiveness being for the abused; not the abuser. It's a way for us to move on with life and have a more positive attitude and circumstance. It is surrounding ourselves with safe people, and realizing that repeat offenders will most likely make us angry, sad, hurt or dissapointed again. It is not expecting anything, but HOPING for what you would like, and realizing it is not always within our power to grasp. Hope and change are always possible.
 He encourages healing through forgiveness. He states that forgiveness is not condoning or making excuses for bad behavior, or accepting that your circumstance is unchangable.You can leave! You can file a Protective Order, Restraining Order, TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY!
However, sometimes the person who hurts you is a parent, sibling or old friend. It may be hard to control when you see them or not, and how they act. But, you can control your emotional and verbal responses to their innapropriate behavior. This is Chris William's journey of Forgiveness.

video

 The person who has deeply hurt you; emotionally, physically, mentally or phsychologically will one day have to answer to a Higher Power. We cannot try to be God, Allah, "The Great Spirit" or the Master of the Universe. He has all control we do not. I really like the way that Dr. Luskin talks about Forgiveness and trying to enforce UNENFORCABLE Rules.We need to let go and let God and realize we cannot make a person behave a certain way.


The Nine Steps to Forgiveness
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and no one else.

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not from what offended you or hurt you two minutes—or 10 years—ago.3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who upset you or condoning the action. In forgiveness you seek the peace and understanding that come from blaming people less after they offend you and taking those offenses less personally.
5. At the moment you feel upset, practice stress management to soothe your body’s fight or flight response.
6. Give up expecting things from your life or from other people that they do not choose to give you. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship, and prosperity, and work hard to get them. However, these are “unenforceable rules:” You will suffer when you demand that these things occur, since you do not have the power to make them happen.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving power over you to the person who caused you pain, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Put more energy into appreciating what you have rather than attending to what you do not have.
9. Amend the way you look at your past so you remind yourself of your heroic choice to forgive.


http://www.nationalcenterforhomeopathy.org/files/2010_conference_handouts/Silvestri_Handout_1.pdf

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/reclaiming-life-through-forgiveness/

A Church Parish Pastor Shares his thoughts on Luskin's Forgiveness Technique;
http://www.soledad-coachella.org/en/help/help/forgiveness.html

Busted Halo-An Online Magazine for Spiritual Seekers; http://bustedhalo.com/features/is-forgiveness-only-divine

The Power of Forgiveness:
                                         Stand in the Other's Shoes

Everett Worthington talks about our tendency at times to “ruminate” over our grievances, bringing them up every once in a while and chewing on them again, as it were. “Ev” is working on ways to measure unforgiveness - the amount of grudge and resentment we hold over an event.
He has developed some techniques that prove useful. One of them is the two-chairs technique. Someone with a grievance sits in Chair A and addresses a real but absent offender sitting in Chair B, telling him how he feels. The subject is then asked to move to Chair B and respond as the offender might. Sitting in the offender’s place to explain why they acted as they did, the offended subjects are forced to think “outside the box,” to put themselves in the other’s place, perhaps seeing for the first time circumstances they had previously overlooked. This can open the way for seeing both sides of the story, and, eventually, to forgiveness.(More at; http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/understanding/health.html)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Domestic Violence

Last year I took a class that was required for my Human Development & Family Studies Major.
The class was called; Family Violence. There were a lot of pictures of abuse and there were too many instances where I was horrified, cried, and was distraught because of what had happen to the spouses and children of an abuser.

An abuser can be; male, female, transgender, black, white, red, blue, orange or purple. They can be of any ethnicity or of any race in the world. The abuser could be physically abusing you at home, or verbally and emotionally abusing you at work, school or at other locations. They could be stalking you, following you or monitoring your internet, computer, phone and personal device use. They may be reading your emails, your history on your devices, and most of the time they are completely untrustworthy and scary. However, occasionally they can be apolagetic and promise that they will change, their behavior changes for a short time and they may give the victim gifts to help them get over the event. Remember, you have the right to feel safe, be safe and to be loved, valued and respected. If you feel threatened; physically, emotionally, mentally or psychologically: seek a safehouse. Find some shelter with someone your abuser doesn't know and seek refuge.Center for Women and Children in Crisis: http://www.cwcic.org/ , Safehouse; http://www.womensdvshelter.org/
Call the Utah information LINKLine: 1­800­897­link (5465)


Domestic Violence Shelters In Utah (http://www.mothersfightingforothers.com/domestic-violence-shelters-in-utah/)

Utah Domestic Violence Shelters:
  • Utah Domestic Violence Advisory Council Salt Lake City UT 84103 801-538-4100
  • Blanding Safehouse Office of Social Services Blanding UT 84511 Business #: 801-678-3211
  • YWCA  Brigham City UT 84302 Business #: 801-734-2233
  • Color Country Cottage Women’s Crisis Center Cedar City UT 84720 Business #: 801-865-7443 Hotline/Crisis: 801-586-3842 Toll Free: (800)953-3842

  • Community Abuse Prevention Services Agency Logan, UT 84323 Business #: 435-753-2500 Hotline/Crisis: 435-753-2500
  • Seekhaven Moab UT 84532 Business #: 801-259-2229
  • YCC of Northern Utah UT 84001 Business #: 801-392-7273
  • Domestic Peace Task Force P.O. Box 682141 Park City UT 84068
  • Coleen Quigley Women’s Center  Price UT 84501 Business #: 801-637-6850
  • The Center for Women & Children in CrisisProvo UT 84063 Business #: 801-374-9351
  • Hotline/Crisis: 801-377-5500
  • New Horizon Crisis Center Richfield UT 84701 Toll Free: (800)343-6302
  • Women In Jeopardy Program YWCA Salt Lake City UT 84111 Business #: 801-355-2804 Hotline/Crisis: 801-355-2804

  • Office of Social Services  St. George UT 84770 Business #: 801-673-9691
  • Tooele Safehouse Office of Social Services Tooele UT 84074 Business #: 801-833-7300
  • Women’s Crisis Center Uintah Basin Counseling: Vernal UT 84078 Business #: 801-781-0743
  • Project Sanctuary West Jordan UT 84088 Business #: 801-255-5501



If you or a loved one is a victim of domestic violence in the state of Utah, please contact the above numbers.
Peace and Safety my Friends


This is the Cycle of Abuse from http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/;

Incident
  • Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Tension Building
  • Abuser starts to get angry
  • Abuse may begin
  • There is a breakdown of communication
  • Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
  • Tension becomes too much
  • Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up
  • Abuser may apologize for abuse
  • Abuser may promise it will never happen again
  • Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
  • Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm
  • Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
  • Physical abuse may not be taking place
  • Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
  • Victim may hope that the abuse is over
  • Abuser may give gifts to victim
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The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete. 

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear.  

What is Dating Violence?(From http://www.breakthecycle.org/dating-violence-101)

Dating violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors used to exert power and control over a dating partner.

A Pattern of Behavior

Calling dating violence a pattern doesn't mean the first instance of abuse is not dating violence. It just recognizes that dating violence usually involves a series of abusive behaviors over a course of time. Here is a model of how it works:

Tension Building

Things start to get tense between a teen and their dating partner.

Honeymoon

The abuser apologizes, trying to make up with his or her partners and to shift the blame for the explosion to someone or something else.
Cycle of Violence

Explosion

There is an outburst of violence that can include intense emotional, verbal, sexual and/or physical abuse.
Every relationships is different, but the one thing that is common to most abusive dating relationships is that the violence escalates over time and becomes more and more dangerous for the young victim.

Power and Control

The definition also points out that at the core of dating violence are issues of power and control. The diagram below from loveisrespect.org details how violent words and actions are tools an abusive partner uses to gain and maintain power and control over his or her partner.



SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and FeelingsYour Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:
  • feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
  • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
  • feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
  • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
  • wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
  • feel emotionally numb or helpless? 
Does your partner:
  • humiliate or yell at you?
  • criticize you and put you down?
  • treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
  • ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
  • blame you for their own abusive behavior?
  • see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or ThreatsYour Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
  • have a bad and unpredictable temper?
  • hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 
  • threaten to take your children away or harm them?
  • threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
  • force you to have sex?
  • destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
  • act excessively jealous and possessive?
  • control where you go or what you do?
  • keep you from seeing your friends or family?
  • limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
  • constantly check up on you?


From http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

Victim Beware: You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem!
The Tension-Building Stage: The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.
The Abuse Stage: A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.
The Remorse Stage: Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.
As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.
The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle. 
Doc's Advice: Trust ACTIONS, not words.



You and your children have rights! Be safe, make an escape plan!!!!!!!




Hugs! Chelsea